It sucks to feel this way. To feel that you’re not worthy to be someone else’s apple of the eye. To think that you have no right to assume that someone looks at you admiringly. To believe that you deserve nobody’s attention.
I can’t even seem to write my sentences correctly. That’s how bad this makes me feel.
This is the reason why I always force myself to stop assuming, stop thinking about such things, stop welcoming such thougts, ideas, feelings, and even a well-meaning compliment or admiration from someone else.
Because it’s easier to pretend that you never notice such things than to ignore what other people have to say.
It’s nice to have you as company every once in a while–or at least everytime I am visited by this persistent yet inconsistent ‘suitor’ that brings me crazy mood swings and temporary hormonal dysfunction. I think, though, that on regular days we could both work together just fine. Unless of course you suddenly realize that I bore you to death.
Until our next correspondence!
Nakikinig ka ba?
Nakalimot sa tuwa
Inaasam ang pagsikat ng buwan.
Nakikita mo ba?
Aking mga matang
Nakapako sa isang pag-asang
Masilayan ang iyong ngiti
Nang makulayang ang mundong sawi
At matikman ang pag-ibig mo
Kahit na sandali.
music by Audrey Montes
Tears flow down my eyes tonight as incessantly as the time that has passed by. I just realized how much damage you’ve caused my life. Don’t get me wrong though. I have moved on. I have learned to let go of my feelings for you. And I have accepted the fact that I can never be the person you would want to spend the rest of your life with.
And I should be thankful for that because I know that I deserve someone better. Someone who you will never be in my life not because you are unworthy, but because you deemed I was not worth it.
Unfortunately, that is the problem now. That is how I feel. I feel unworthy. I feel undeserving of anyone’s affection. I feel insignificant. Thanks to you.
Every time I would feel something special towards someone, I would have to stop myself because I fear that I would not be worth it. I am scared that once again, all my feelings will be put into vain because I am not someone else. Because I am me.
But don’t feel bad now. For we are way too late for that. Feeling guilt, if it would come now, has long been overdue. I am writing this merely to speak to myself and not to seek for neither your pity nor attention. You may have caused me pain, made me cry, and broke my heart without you knowing it. But I am still here—intact and alive. I may not feel worthy, deserving, and significant right now, but that does not mean I am not any of those things to the people who see me differently.
And one day, I shall feel the same way about myself—worthy, deserving, significant. I shall not be afraid to hear those things from other people. I shall see myself apart from the person you saw in me. And I shall be happier. Because I have remained myself, only better.
“My turn to be honest… I feel like you’re the best for me.. I just..can’t let anyone in..right now. All they’d find is darkness…a void.” (22:19 // 260310)
okay, i’m about to start struggling again to write. struggling, because i have no means and resources to write whenever i want to. and yes, i am just making excuses.
world, i exist. so does my brand of literature.
now, i shall exit.